2008-12-03
Renhai Reflections 51: Autumn's End
Autumn's End
A Renhai by Yvonne Myers (ym) & Vaughn Seward (vs)
Dying leaves
from a fragrant tree fall on
the welcome mat. /ym
Clouds heavy with snow — /vs
mouths of children open, waiting /ym
First flakes —
a young girl marks out
a happy face. /vs
Click here for notes and linking details:
http://cflat7.drivehq.com/Renhai_0099.htm
[Yvonne Myers is the moderator of the Off-the-wall "haiku" group:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/offthewallhaiku/
We have written rengay and other projects together since 2007.]
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14 comments:
This is a nice one, Masago
a welcoming change..enjoyed...
wishes,
devika
Oh i keep forgetting its a joint one, sometimes...
Thank you Myers and Vaughn :)
wishes,
devika
The first tercet is strong and could stand on its own. The idea of "death" and fall "fragrance" is a very common theme in Japanese Haiku, yet the image of the welcome mat renews what could have been a stale image. This author shows some depth.
The couplet is the perfect link. The mouths of children is a perfect counterpart to the image of the welcome mat.
Vaughn, your final tercet is a near perfect counterpart to the first tercet. My only quibble is that "stamps out/a happy face" may overplay your hand - seeming a little ham-handed. But I could be persuaded.
While the renhai immediately preceding this is descriptively beautiful, it beauty is its only appeal - which may be sufficent. Overall, this is the best renhai I have read yet.
wonderful work.
yes good work
john
I feel a strong sense of story from these. Each is of its moment but holds so much more too. The middle one is especially strong. Well done.
Thank you all.
It was brought to my attention that the "...girl stamping out a happy face" conveys an element of violence which I had no intention of portraying. I have therefore changed this line to "...girl marks out a happy face".
Nice balance of foreboding and promise.
i'm not a fan of (approaching)winter but yes, this is delightful
I'm putting out a not welcome mat for the dying leaves.
Can I shoo them away, instead of shoe them in?
Hi Vaughn,
In your first version, though it seemed overplayed (to me), I had the sense that the girl was outside and in the snow.
In the new version, I have less sense of location.
This isn't a criticism, just letting you know how I'm reading it. Also, I can read the new version as the girl "marking out" her *own* happy face. I can also see a girl indoors, marking out a happy face on a drawing, perhaps, because she doesn't like the snow, which would play against the idea of the welcome mat.
Sorry, don't mean to be a pain...
Well done you two.I like all the images each verse gives particularly both middle lines.
A fall with a happy end!:)
I love the dying leaves on the welcome mat. Lots of area for the imagination to play with.
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