A Renhai by Jerry McKenzie (jm) & Vaughn Seward (vs)
A tuft of coyote
with a strand of horse hair —
barbed wire. /vs
Motionless ski-lift chair — /jm
a mit snagged in the rungs. /vs
Zipline view —
a wild goat vaults into
a dogwood thicket. /jm
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[This Renhai was originally posted November 15, 2008. A reader suggested that the phrase "on a sliver" in verse 2 seemed to say too much and be too deliberate. The word "wild" in the final verse seemed as well be too deliberate.
I reviewed these comments with Jerry and we have come to the following decisions:
1. We agree that "sliver" says too much. We were trying to convey that the mit was left behind but not just laying there as the wind would have, over time, surely blown it away. We have decided to replace the second line with "a mit snagged in the rungs"
2. We envisioned that the zipline rider was in a wilderness setting here in the Canadian Rocky Mountains. We chose "wild goat" to distinguish it from a dometic one and as we wanted to emphasize the goat's wildness. The goat was perhaps surprised by the zipline rider and was making an effort to get away. We could have used "Mountain Goat" as this is the exact species we had in mind but it seemed unnecessary to name the species in this case as we feel it throws off the rhythm of the verse. We will therefore retain "wild goat"
Thanks to Patrick Gillespie (upinVermont) for making these suggestions.]
2 days ago