2008-12-14

Renhai Reflections 56: Stirred


Stirred

A Renhai by Vaughn Seward (Solo)

An autumn wind
lashes the last rose
on the bush.

Home alone... a noise
downstairs stirs my heart.

Rustling sound —
every sparrow flees
except one.

Click here for notes and linking details:
http://cflat7.drivehq.com/Renhai_0104.htm

13 comments:

Devika said...

Hi Masago!

Good series,
liked all , in order of preference -- 3, 1, 2 :)

wishes,
dvika

John McDonald said...

good one vaughn
john

Tammie Lee said...

Hello,

Nice to meet you through your poetry. I enjoyed your writing. Forgive me if I am wrong, it feels as if your writing is a spiritual path. One that has inspired you to see life around you fully and in a simple way. Perhaps brought you to your feelings more clearly, so that you may share them, express them in words. Such a grand gift.

aurora said...

A pleasing set, Vaughn.

Sorry for my scarceness. It's been so hectic the past few months, I've only had time to visit the first 2 blog friends (Andrew and Borut).

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

nice work!

Borut said...

Rainy Christmas time…
A boy would touch a sparrow
At a sliding door.

Bill said...

Did that last sparrow actually stay, or just take off a few seconds after the others? It's only since I started writing haiku that I've realized that, even when sparrows take off all at once, they don't take off all at once.

upinVermont said...

I liked this one.

The first tercet has the feeling of a conventional poem with a tinge of the Japanese influence.

The couplet gives me pause. "Stirs my heart" leads me to think the poet is anticipating someone and, since the expression is usually used in a positive sense, I suspect that the poet's anticipation is hopeful.

The final tercet is beautiful and could easily succeed as an exceptionally strong haiku in its own right. My only complaint is that within the context of the renhai, it repeats information already provided in the couplet. That is: "rustling sound" is redundant, duplicating "noise/ downstairs".

Masago said...

Thank you all!

Tammy Lee: Is my writing a spiritual path? In some ways, yes (and as you describe). Thanks for visiting and commenting.

Aurora: It is nice to hear from an long-time friend!

Bill: I have seen both kinds of images.

upinVermont: The noise/sound is in fact one of the links between the two verses. Perhaps there might be a better way to disguise this.

Janice Thomson said...

This is beautiful Vaughn - love that last verse - have seen this before and always wondered why one seems to stay behind...

upinVermont said...

//upinVermont: The noise/sound is in fact one of the links between the two verses. Perhaps there might be a better way to disguise this.//

Interesting.

Those are the kinds of puzzles I like to work out when writing poetry. The final tercet is outstanding so, if it were me, I would be disinclined to change it. I would probably alter the couplet.

For instance:

Home alone - but,
distracted, my heart stirs.

This implies that something has distracted the poet, implying noise without stating it.

Masago said...

upinVermont: That might work. I'll give it some further ponder. Thanks.

jem said...

There is something very sensual about the first.

And that last one is so true - I always wonder, is that last sparrow the brave or the foolish one?